‘The Twilight Saga: Eclipse’

Twilight: Eclipse

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010) Directed by David Slade. Starring Kristin Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Xavier Samuel, Billy Burke, Bryce Dallas Howard, Anna Kendrick, Dakota Fanning, Peter Facinelli, Ashley Greene, Jackson Rathbone.

Wait, what is this doing here? I guess, technically, this is a horror movie since there are vampires and werewolves. I didn’t pick it, I swear! My wife wanted to get in on the Marathon fun and Twilight is about the level of horror movie she prefers.

This is the story of Mopey Girl (Kristen Stewart) who hooks up with Mopey Vampire (Robert Pattinson) and they both seem to love how miserable the other one is. All they do together is talk about how mopey they are and how great it will be when she becomes Mopey Vampire Girl, cause, you know, to hell with Sheriff Dad (Billy Burke) cause he just ain’t mopey enough. Then there’s Shirtless Mopey Werewolf (Taylor Lautner) who thinks he’s the one for Mopey Girl, except he’s not because there’s no way Mopey Werewolf is the least bit mopier than Mopey Vampire. There’s some other Vampire Redhead (Bryce Dallas Howard) who holds a grudge against Mopey Girl so she turns some normal dude into Sneering Vampire (Xavier Samuel) to raise an army of new vampires, because apparently when you’ve just become a vampire that’s when you’re at your mopiest. And it all comes down to the Big Bad Battle of the Case of the Mondays. Anyway, I don’t know what I’m saying. This movie has made me ridiculous.

I can’t think of any other film with vampires and werewolves that is so dull and bloodless. The Twilight series has completely ruined vampire stories. Is this the 21st century version of Interview with the Vampire? If so, things have gone far downhill. Louis and Lestat had angst, but they got nothin’ on these whiny kids. How can such a large cast be completely devoid of personality? Every look of pain on Robert Pattinson’s face made me roll my eyes dramatically and want to retch. And who picked Kristen Stewart to star in anything? She sucks the life out of every scene she’s in, which is nearly every scene in the movie.

The effects are laughable. The fur on the werewolves looks like strips of wood, which I suppose is meant to draw your attention from the stiff acting. The action scenes are uninspired, almost as if they were an afterthought. The talking dialogue drags on and on and on, a parade of anguish briefly interspersed with obligatory cgi effects crashing into each other. I imagine the filmmakers would have been happy to have Kristen and Stewart sitting in a poorly lit room, sitting around complaining about their horrid lives for two hours. 

But this movie ain’t aimed at me so who am I to judge? I’m just some cynical old dude. Even my wife admits this movie is bad, bad, bad. The only enjoyable part of Eclipse was watching it with her and bitching about how terrible the film is. If I believed in a soul I would say that Eclipse has stolen part of it from me.

Wrap-up post is in the works. See you soon!

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